Self Help Assertiveness

Assertiveness makes you feel good about yourself. You feel in control. You feel you can manage your own life. You feel you can take on challenges and win.

The alternatives are being Passive or being Aggressive.

If you're not sure which you are, you can find this out by doing this Quiz

Or if you prefer to try an alternative method, you can also identify your behavior patterns by looking at your Writing.

Passive involves letting others rule your life. It involves just submitting to whatever is thrown at you, and taking it.

You may not feel happy about it, but if you are being Passive you won’t do anything to prevent it either now, or happening again later.

There are obviously times when being Passive is good.

For example, you are at a business function with your spouse. She makes arrangements for both of you to have dinner with someone s/he has met, and their spouse. You already know this person and have very good reasons not to want to socialize with them outside of work.

When you spouse brings her new acquaintances over and announces this arrangement, this is probably not the best time to explain to her that you don’t want to do this! Instead, it is time to be passive, to just go with the flow for now.

Afterwards, you have the chance to explain things, and come to an arrangement that you are both comfortable with. But anything other than passive acceptance when you first hear this would be rude and cause a very uncomfortable situation.

There is never really a good time to be Aggressive as such, but there certainly are times when someone has to take control and insist on how things are done.

If the building in which you are teaching a class catches fire and the alarms go off, you are the one who knows the escape route and procedures. This is not a time for discussion or compromise. This is a time to say “This is what we do, and do it NOW!”

However, unlike Aggressiveness, in most situations, being Assertive is good.

State what you want in clear terms, being sensitive to others feelings and needs. Make suggestions that will help others get what they want also. It will make them more accepting to what you want.

For example: A friend who has been having lunch with you at a restaurant announces that as she is going from there to buy some plants from a nursery. She walked to lunch, and her husband is using their car today. She not only asks you to drive her to the nursery, but to then wait while she chooses what she wants, and drive her back home. You have already driven across town to have lunch with her close to her home, and do not want to have to drive another half hour each way to the nursery and back. But you don’t want to offend her either.

Making excuses about having an appointment, if you don’t really have one, may solve the problem, but it won’t be honest, and you won’t feel good about yourself.

Taking her won’t make you feel good either and is more than likely going to leave you feeling resentful of your friend.

This does not mean making excuses. There are circumstances where you do need to explain yourself, but there are also many when you don’t.

In this situation, you don’t have to explain yourself. You can just say “I’m sorry, I won’t be able to do that today. Perhaps Jim (her husband) could take you on the weekend.” If you like, you can add “Or we could make arrangements for me to take you there sometime next week.”

This has done several things.

It has let your friend know that although you are still her friend and willing to help, she can’t just “use” you any time she likes.

It has left you feeling you are in control of your life.

It may, if you are not used to being assertive, leave you feeling guilty because you didn’t do what your friend asked.

But so long as you are fair, kind and gentle in standing up for your own wants and needs, once you get used to it – and others get used to you being this way – you will find it makes you much happier overall.

When you are becoming Assertive, make sure you are using Assertive Body Language

Here you will find some Tips to help you as you start to assert yourself.

You may also like to try these two quizzes. The first has you identifying which Behavior

fits which of the 3 categories

The second has you creating appropriate Responses for each type of behavior.

Is shyness holding you back?

Still not sure you are ready to become more assertive? What is holding you back?

Find out how to improve your self confidence

Read more about being Assertive

See an Assertiveness chart.