Assertiveness Wins

Assertiveness wins - you take a stand, win respect and grow your self esteem

Some people have difficulty understanding the difference between Assertive and Aggressive.

Most people, on the other hand, do see the difference between Passive and Assertive / Aggressive.

When you become clear that assertive wins, you become more interested in learning the skill... and it's a skill well worth learning.

To demonstrate Assertive, Passive, Passive-Aggressive and Aggressive, we will take a hypothetical example.

Jenny has been waiting all week till payday so she can go shopping and buy a gift for her child’s birthday on Saturday. On Friday (payday) at 5pm her boss comes and asks her to work late to finish a report. This report could have been done at any time earlier, but the boss “hadn’t got around to it.” If Jenny does this, the shops will be closed and she won’t have the gift for her daughter when she awakes on Saturday morning.

This is obviously a difficult situation. What is Jenny to do?

Being Passive means waiting for things to happen TO you, and just accepting what comes.

If Jenny is passive she will just stay late, without saying anything to her boss about her shopping plans. She will probably feel bad about herself giving in like that. And both she and her daughter will miss out the next morning when there is no birthday present waiting.

Jenny loses by being passive. Her boss wins – Jenny stays late and the report gets done. This is an "I lose, you win" situation.

Passive Aggressive, is the same as passive in that you just take what comes without taking action on your own behalf, but it also involves making negative comments, and sometimes exhibiting negative behavior to make it obvious that you don’t like this situation.

If Jenny is being Passive Aggressive she will stay late, but will complain and make comments in an aggressive manner. “Who does he think he is!” “Does he think I’ve nothing better to do that sit here all night.” Or even say to her boss “Yes, I’ll stay, after all I have nothing better to do – I have no life of my own anyway.”

Again Jenny loses, and stirs up more resentment against herself due to her behavior. If she complains like this to her boss, he won't be happy with her. If she complains to her friends, after a while - assuming this is her habitual style of behavior - they will get tired of listening to it.

So this is even more of a losing situation for Jenny than just being passive. Her boss wins however, as the report gets done. Again it's an "I lose, you win" situation ... in a way, but both really lose if she is sarcastic and unpleasant to her boss.

Aggressive involves pushing to have your own agenda filled regardless of how this affects other people.

Should Jenny be Aggressive she might say something like “No, I will not stay late. You knew about this report all week and just didn’t do anything about it. Why should I stay late to cover up for you. Do the report yourself.”

Jenny may not have a job for long if this is how she approaches it.

This is a win- lose situation. Jenny wins in that she does not have to do the report, and her boss loses for the same reason.

And Jenny may not have any friends for long either if she approaches other things in this aggressive manner. Aggressiveness involves using force to get what you want regardless of how it affects others.

Being Assertive means stating what you want in manner that is clear and confident, but does not attack anyone else or put anyone else down in any way. Assertiveness wins.

If Jenny is Assertive she will say “I realize how important this report is. I could have done it this afternoon had I known it was due today. However, it’s my daughter’s birthday tomorrow and I have been waiting till I got my paycheck to go and buy her present. If I stay late just now, I won’t be able to get her gift in time for her birthday. Would it be possible for me to come in early on Monday morning and have the report ready by the time you get in?”

She is stating her need, but at the same time understanding the boss’s need, and assertiveness wins by offering a win-win situation.

A "win-win" situation has a chance of being the result here. Jenny can leave on time, and the boss will get the report done before normal opening hours tomorrow.

Sometimes a win-win is not possible.

If the boss says “No, the report has to go out tonight,” Jenny then has the choice of continuing with her assertive behavior and stating she is very sorry but at this short notice she cannot work late.

Or she can give in and be passive. She could salvage some assertiveness from her "giving in" passive behavior if she agreed to work tonight, but made an agreement with her boss that he would give her more notice in future.

This way she still misses out tonight, but has the promise of "winning" in the future.

Assertive is not always easy. It is not always popular. Jenny’s boss probably didn’t like her refusing to work late. But it was a reasonable response, he would know for the next time to give her more notice.

If you have been passive before, when you first start to be assertive, people will try to push you back into being passive.

It’s easier for them when you are passive. They get their own way most of the time. You have to be ready for it, and willing to stand your ground until they get used to the “new you.”

Once assertiveness has become part of your behavior you will find a growth in your self esteem, confidence and the respect you get from others. Assertiveness wins.

Take a stand only when you feel like it, to begin with. Try being assertive in low risk situations at first, and gradually build it up to being your usual way of behaving.

If you don’t feel up to it on any occasion, allow yourself to opt out this time. Then make plans in your mind so that when this type of situation comes up again, you are ready and prepared to be more assertive.

Think your behavior through beforehand whenever you have the chance. Think out not only how you can get what you want, but how you can turn this into a win-win so the other person wins too.

If you are shy, thinking things out beforehand can also help you express yourself more openly, and at least temporarily overcome the shyness.

You can improve your self confidence, which can reduce either aggressiveness or passiveness.

This same advice goes for passive aggressive.

The only additional advice for passive aggressors is to realize that it is your choice to be passive, to allow others to rule your life. Don’t blame them. Don’t make aggressive remarks.

Instead, if you choose not to be assertive, just be passive for now, and plan how to be assertive, positively assertive next time.

If you have a tendency to be aggressive, you need to learn to stop and think.

To draw back momentarily and consider if this will get you what you want at the expense of someone else. If the answer is yes, try to think of a way to get what you want at the same time as helping the other person to get something too.

Study assertive behavior and learn how to word your requests, how to behave in a way that states your need without attacking anyone else. You don’t need to flatten the opposition to get what you want. You might even be able to get them to help you if you work it right!!

Remember, assertiveness wins.