Assertive Body Language

Assertive body language is extremely important to how your message is received.

As you have probably heard before, only 45% of what we understand comes from the actual words we say and tone, pitch and speed with which we say it.

Only 7% of that is in the actual words.

55% of what is understood about what we are saying comes from our body language.

So what does Assertive Body Language look like?

Standing or sitting erect.

- Not stiff and rigid, but not slouching or looking defeated or apologetic either

Making direct eye contact.

- Not staring the other person down, but not looking everywhere other than in their eyes either.

- It is sometimes possible to look in the general area of their eyes, or at the bridge of their nose, if looking the directly in the eye is too uncomfortable. But direct eye contact is best

Another way to use assertive body language is to:

Allow your facial expression to match your words.

- Do not try to maintain a rigid expression.

- A pleasant expression is good, although probably a broad smile would be inappropriate in most assertive situations. Use your judgment as to what is best

If your words and voice contradict your body language, people will believe your body language.

My brother, like many people I’m sure, used to play with my parent’s dog whom he loved, saying things like “you’re a horrible, fierce animal, aren’t you?” And other such terms of non-endearment, all delivered in a warm loving voice.

It was fun, because so very obviously the dog was responding with love and joy to the tone of his voice, and the petting.

He totally did not understanding the negative words my brother was using.

We understand the words people say to us, but whether we know it or not, we respond, just like my parents dog, more to their body language than to their actual words.

And we all know that you can get away with “murder” (not literally) when you say nasty things in a loving, sweet tone of voice.

Assertive body language is also included in the use of our voice when we speak.Para-Language is tone of voice, speed and pitch – everything associated with speaking except the actual words.

Here are some tips on Para-Language:

- Say what you have to say clearly, and loud enough to be heard.

- No mumbling – and no shouting either

- Sound confident in what you are saying.

- Do not allow a note of apology to creep in.

- Do not allow your voice to sound as though you are complaining – no whining

- If you are like many people, you will speak faster if you uncomfortable about the situation. If this is you, try to determinedly speak more slowly.

- Do not become shrill – this is especially likely for women, if they become nervous, or are receiving a response they are not sure how to cope with

- Always talk calmly – even though you may not be feeling calm, it is still possible to speak that way

- Take a deep breath if necessary to calm you before you begin to speak

- Allow silence to reign for a few seconds if that seems appropriate. Silence has power.

- To allow a silence is to show confidence … again, you don’t have to be feeling confident to do this. You can be silent and counting from 1 to 100 in your head so you don’t talk again too soon. All your listener will know is that you have the confidence to take a few seconds to think.

- Do not rush into speech just because there is a gap in the conversation (see above 2 points)